i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
