I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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