I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
