just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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