I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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