Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
