I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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