I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize