Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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