cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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