sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
