decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
