How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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