I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
