There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
