God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
