sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
