so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
