Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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