Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
