I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
