Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
