if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
