Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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