My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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