I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize