Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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