You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
