It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
