??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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