There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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