one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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