My room smells like vodka and shame
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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