I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
