Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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