Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
