you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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