my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
