More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
