How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
