Please, let me fuck your mom
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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