He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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