Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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