And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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