He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
