It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
