Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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