Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
