Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
