I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
