i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
