i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
