I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
