then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
