Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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