whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
