I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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