Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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