Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
