oh god the rape fog is back!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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