the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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