You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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