I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
