I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
how does that bad decision feel?
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