We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We need a shit load of segways right now
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
